Healthy Boundaries header

What You Allow- A Story On Healthy Boundaries

October 11, 2015Nina KovnerGROW, MY TRUTH

“What you allow is what will continue.” Unknown

In working with my clients each day and engaging with community on the social web, I find one of the biggest challenges many face is in setting healthy boundaries.

Look, up until 8 years ago, to be honest, I had no idea what that even meant. I was living a boundary-less life. I was at the mercy of others energy, desires, moods and thoughts. I was emotionally broken. And then everything changed (with a 35 day treatment program and 8 years of therapy which I am still in today). Even today, I struggle with it. Why? Because I am human. And so are you.

Since I am in the empowerment business, I find nothing more empowering than loving self. And setting healthy boundaries are one of the best ways to empower, love and serve our hearts.

So what the heck are boundaries and how do we set healthy ones? Here is what an article from Psychology Today says about healthy boundaries…

“Boundaries are an inside job. And they have to do, not so much with where others stop but with where we genuinely begin.”

First and foremost, we must decide that we are sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s not until we make that decision, we can move forward and begin to grow.

Next, think about all the situations are you in today, in biz and in life, where you are struggling with boundaries.

Could it be with a client wanting to get “squeezed” in or wanting access to you 24/7?
Price bartering?
Unreasonable expectations?
Doing things we actually do not want to be doing?
Could it be with a team member who totally disrespects your culture and vision, or you, or other team members?
Not being able to let go of toxic people, team members, clients, relationships?
Could it be that you find yourself in total burnout mode more often than not, due to feeling “bad” and not wanting to say no to anyone?
What about online? Succumbing to the obnoxious behavior of cyber bullies?
Getting sucked into rants and awful news?
Following people we don’t really want to follow but we feel we “must”?

OMG, the list could go on and on. And where the dance begins, is in learning that healthy boundaries are not about putting up walls, but in creating a permeable “fence” that allows us to practice self care, thus my choice for the above image, a beautiful fence on the beach, which both protects and accepts.

Here are some affirmations that may help you in your journey to learning to setting healthy boundaries. And let me be clear. This stuff is not easy. Far from it. It’s super uncomfortable, for reals. But each time we set a healthy boundary, it gets easier. One boundary at a time.

Awesome Boundary Affirmations
I set healthy boundaries to be more loving to others and myself.
I will say NO to others and say YES to myself.
I am perfectly imperfect, and so are the others around me.
I am a courageous and loving human.
I am in control of how I choose to respond and react to others.
I cannot control people or their actions.
I respect my needs and myself.
I teach people how to treat me.
I will put my oxygen mask on first, so I can be present for others.
I create space in my life so I can breathe.

If you struggle with setting healthy boundaries, it may be an issue of co-dependence. One of the greatest books I have ever read on this topic and one that helped me is Codependent No More by one of my favorite self-help authors Melody Beattie. Click here to learn more.

Love + Awesomeness-
Nina

Zen Louis Kovner

Over You… A Grief Story

September 13, 2015Nina KovnerGROW, MY TRUTH

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. Brené Brown

This post was originally written on June 17, 2013, as I was processing the unbearable grief of losing my Dad unexpectedly. Today, on September 14, 2015, over two years later, I felt compelled to share it again, upon losing the best little dude on the planet, my Zen Louis Kovner. Not so ironically, the original audio recording of this post had Zen snoring in the background. Precious moments, as well as reminders, the daily reminders of our lost loved ones are gifts, no matter how much they hurt our hearts. This is for Zen… And my Dad, And for You, and for Me.

I was supposed to write this post yesterday, on Fathers Day. But I found that I just could not focus, or really get out of bed to be honest. I was sad.

The truth is, I have many days like this. I miss my Dad. Fathers Day sucks. It is just a brutal reminder that my Dad is gone.

They say I’ll be OK. I was told the first year it the hardest. Really? It’s been 1 year, 6 months and 5 days. Still not any easier. But thanks for trying.

Our emotions are funny little things. As is the desire of others to try to “make everything better”. Sometimes, we just have to sit in it. To feel it. To accept it. To explore the darkness. For me, its part of the healing process.

This is not about being positive or negative, its about being honest with ourselves about how we really feel. Pretending everything is OK is not real. It’s not honest.

For me, music is medicine, it helps me express my pain, my sadness, my happiness, my joy and serves as a way to express myself, to myself, when things are too crazy to process.

When I first heard the song Over You, Cassadee Pope was singing it on The Voice. I absolutely lost it. It was everything I was feeling and could not express. This past week I must have listened to it 10 times. I needed to express what I was feeling, and was having a hard time. This song seems to do the trick. Instant waterworks and emotion.

I learned the hard way (by hard way I mean a total breakdown and 5 weeks in rehab) that when we do not express our truest authentic self, we begin to die inside. In this world of endless “motivation”, “inspiration” and “positivity”, we do ourselves the greatest disservice by not owning our real emotions. Being sad is OK. Losing a parent sucks. Pretending we are over it sucks even more.

Here are the lyrics to the song that has become my medicine. If you are sad or in pain about losing a loved one, I hope that maybe these lyrics speak to your heart too. It’s OK to not be OK. It’s actually better than OK, it means you are human. And humans feel things.

Over You by Miranda Lambert

“Weather man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone

Cause you went away, How dare you? I miss you They say I’ll be OK But I’m not going to ever get over you.”

The greatest gift we can give ourselves and our world is to be our authentic selves. I am not talking about wallowing or being paralyzed by our emotions, I am talking about feeling them, acknowledging they are real, processing them and coming out on the other side empowered, and forever changed.

Love + Gratitude-
Nina

If It Was Easy HD

If It Was Easy

August 31, 2015Nina KovnerGROW

“I’m a greater believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.” Thomas Jefferson

(originally posted in April 2014, revised August 2015)

A conversation I had with a super awesome hairdresser the other day has been completely stuck in my mind, so what better way to get it out than to share it. Here is how the conversation went…

We were discussing a very successful salon in Los Angeles. Like mad successful. How did we define successful? Happy team members, happy clients. A TON of traffic. I also happen to know they are very profitable. My friend said to me…”Why don’t other salons work like that? They could be awesome too!” My response was, I know. They could. But they choose not to.

You see, success is a choice. And it is NOT easy. No matter what people say. Oh, and let’s just smash the other myth, that there is a secret. I call total BS on that one. And then there is the “they are so lucky.” Really? Luck? I like what Thomas Jefferson said in the quote above, that luck is tied directly to work. Very smart man.

Don’t know what to do to be successful? Find out. When we choose to become a brand owner, we have opted into knowing what it takes and doing what it takes. We either acquire the knowledge or hire the knowledge. We create. Then we execute like a bad ass. Measure. Adjust. Create again. Period.

If it were easy, everyone would be doing it. What are you doing to grow your business? Hiring the knowledge or acquiring the knowledge? It’s a choice. And the most important thing to do right now it to make one.

Love + Awesomeness-

Nina

 

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The Art of The Question

August 24, 2015Nina KovnerENGAGE, GROW

In school, we’re rewarded for having the answer, not for asking a good question.  -Richard Saul Wurman

Questions… Our brain is triggered by questions. We move towards what we focus on. Awesome questions create awesome learning… In my life, with years of education, sales and marketing experiences, I have learned so much about asking good questions. #questionwisdom

Last night as I was getting ready for “sweet dreams”, and yes, if you didn’t know, when I post my sweet dreams message, I am in fact, getting ready to turn in for the night. I just happen to sit on #teamearlybird but will never ever tell you which team to sit on. Do you. Do awesome. So I digress… Let’s continue…

Last night, my awesome buddy and super smart human @andrewdoeshair posted a question he gets so very often, as do I, which is… “How do I get more followers?” You can see his post here. It’s awesome. He is awesome. He creates value. He is interested. He engages. It’s no wonder he has such a passionate group of followers and has managed to create wildly successful businesses and a rad life.

While I have blogged on the topic of engagement, relationships, and social, you can find just a few posts here, and here, and here… I will break it down one more time, well not really, I will blog on this topic til it no longer needs to be blogged on. Why? There still seems to be so much confusion about the word “social”.

Let’s look at the formal definition…

Social adjective (aka action word)
: relating to or involving activities in which people spend time talking to each other or doing enjoyable things with each other
: liking to be with and talk to people
: happy to be with people
: of or relating to people or society in general

Wow, it’s an action word. Who knew, right? Lol.

So now let’s try flipping the script, shall we?
1. Instead of asking how to get more followers, ask how can I be of value?

2. Instead of asking how to get more followers… ask how can I create more valuable content that followers want to follow.

3. Instead of asking how to get more followers, ask how can I create awesome work, consistently, and share it.

4. Instead of asking how to get more followers, ask how can I spend way more time listening than talking? Engaging, two way conversations, relationship building, you know, the stuff that matters.

5. Instead of asking how to get more followers, engage. And by engage I mean follow others who are of value to you, like, comment and share, authentically. Authentically. I mean authentically. There are some Insta experts out there that tell you to randomly search hashtags and make a super inauthentic comment on random peoples pages. #lame

6. Instead of asking how to get more followers, ask how can I become an awesome storyteller. Find out what’s important to your target audience and share. Consistently.

It’s not that we don’t know how to get more followers, and by followers, I mean create something of value for people to follow, it’s just that many of us are looking for a magic bullet, a secret sauce, and a short cut. And I am here to tell you, just as Andrew did so well in his post, there is no magic bullet or secret sauce.

Oh wait. There is a short cut… You can buy followers. I know, crazy huh? And good luck with that.

Love + Awesomeness-

Nina @passionsquared

PS: A big shout out of thanks to Andrew for inspiring this post! Love your face buddy.

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Pride of Ownership

August 17, 2015Nina KovnerGROW

Small Business isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s for the brave, the patient and the persistent. It’s for the overcomer.  -Unknown

Not everyone is meant to be a small business owner. And that is OK. There are leaders and followers, owners and team members. We each play a very important role in the world, no matter where we sit in it. After decades of working with and for owners, and being one, I have learned a ton about what it takes to be an owner. The key is in the knowing. In the self-awareness, in the acceptance that you may or may not be cut out for this. And that too, is OK.

The owner arrives earlier.

The owner stays later.

The owner serves.

The owner leads.

The owner creates leaders.

The owner seeks.

The owner struggles.

The owner shines.

The owner is grateful.

The owner creates.

The owner gathers.

The owner connects.

The owner is consistent.

The owner is compassionate.

The owner communicates.

The owner coaches.

The owner gets coached.

The owner engages.

The owner empowers.

The owner listens.

The owner is honest.

The owner invests.

The owner fails.

The owner succeeds.

The owner learns.

The owner responds.

The owner commits.

The owner sources.

The owner solves.

The owner sacrifices.

The owner is passionate.

The owner perseveres.

The owner has boundaries.

The owner knows when to say yes.

The owner knows when to say no.

The owner takes responsibility.

The owner is responsible.

The owner laughs.

The owner loves.

The owner cries.

The owner cares.

The owner is brave.

The owner has courage.

Not everyone is meant to be an owner.

Are you?

Love + Awesomeness-
Nina