Healthy Boundaries header

What You Allow- A Story On Healthy Boundaries

“What you allow is what will continue.” Unknown

In working with my clients each day and engaging with community on the social web, I find one of the biggest challenges many face is in setting healthy boundaries.

Look, up until 8 years ago, to be honest, I had no idea what that even meant. I was living a boundary-less life. I was at the mercy of others energy, desires, moods and thoughts. I was emotionally broken. And then everything changed (with a 35 day treatment program and 8 years of therapy which I am still in today). Even today, I struggle with it. Why? Because I am human. And so are you.

Since I am in the empowerment business, I find nothing more empowering than loving self. And setting healthy boundaries are one of the best ways to empower, love and serve our hearts.

So what the heck are boundaries and how do we set healthy ones? Here is what an article from Psychology Today says about healthy boundaries…

“Boundaries are an inside job. And they have to do, not so much with where others stop but with where we genuinely begin.”

First and foremost, we must decide that we are sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s not until we make that decision, we can move forward and begin to grow.

Next, think about all the situations are you in today, in biz and in life, where you are struggling with boundaries.

Could it be with a client wanting to get “squeezed” in or wanting access to you 24/7?
Price bartering?
Unreasonable expectations?
Doing things we actually do not want to be doing?
Could it be with a team member who totally disrespects your culture and vision, or you, or other team members?
Not being able to let go of toxic people, team members, clients, relationships?
Could it be that you find yourself in total burnout mode more often than not, due to feeling “bad” and not wanting to say no to anyone?
What about online? Succumbing to the obnoxious behavior of cyber bullies?
Getting sucked into rants and awful news?
Following people we don’t really want to follow but we feel we “must”?

OMG, the list could go on and on. And where the dance begins, is in learning that healthy boundaries are not about putting up walls, but in creating a permeable “fence” that allows us to practice self care, thus my choice for the above image, a beautiful fence on the beach, which both protects and accepts.

Here are some affirmations that may help you in your journey to learning to setting healthy boundaries. And let me be clear. This stuff is not easy. Far from it. It’s super uncomfortable, for reals. But each time we set a healthy boundary, it gets easier. One boundary at a time.

Awesome Boundary Affirmations
I set healthy boundaries to be more loving to others and myself.
I will say NO to others and say YES to myself.
I am perfectly imperfect, and so are the others around me.
I am a courageous and loving human.
I am in control of how I choose to respond and react to others.
I cannot control people or their actions.
I respect my needs and myself.
I teach people how to treat me.
I will put my oxygen mask on first, so I can be present for others.
I create space in my life so I can breathe.

If you struggle with setting healthy boundaries, it may be an issue of co-dependence. One of the greatest books I have ever read on this topic and one that helped me is Codependent No More by one of my favorite self-help authors Melody Beattie. Click here to learn more.

Love + Awesomeness-
Nina

Zen Louis Kovner

Over You… A Grief Story

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. Brené Brown

This post was originally written on June 17, 2013, as I was processing the unbearable grief of losing my Dad unexpectedly. Today, on September 14, 2015, over two years later, I felt compelled to share it again, upon losing the best little dude on the planet, my Zen Louis Kovner. Not so ironically, the original audio recording of this post had Zen snoring in the background. Precious moments, as well as reminders, the daily reminders of our lost loved ones are gifts, no matter how much they hurt our hearts. This is for Zen… And my Dad, And for You, and for Me.

I was supposed to write this post yesterday, on Fathers Day. But I found that I just could not focus, or really get out of bed to be honest. I was sad.

The truth is, I have many days like this. I miss my Dad. Fathers Day sucks. It is just a brutal reminder that my Dad is gone.

They say I’ll be OK. I was told the first year it the hardest. Really? It’s been 1 year, 6 months and 5 days. Still not any easier. But thanks for trying.

Our emotions are funny little things. As is the desire of others to try to “make everything better”. Sometimes, we just have to sit in it. To feel it. To accept it. To explore the darkness. For me, its part of the healing process.

This is not about being positive or negative, its about being honest with ourselves about how we really feel. Pretending everything is OK is not real. It’s not honest.

For me, music is medicine, it helps me express my pain, my sadness, my happiness, my joy and serves as a way to express myself, to myself, when things are too crazy to process.

When I first heard the song Over You, Cassadee Pope was singing it on The Voice. I absolutely lost it. It was everything I was feeling and could not express. This past week I must have listened to it 10 times. I needed to express what I was feeling, and was having a hard time. This song seems to do the trick. Instant waterworks and emotion.

I learned the hard way (by hard way I mean a total breakdown and 5 weeks in rehab) that when we do not express our truest authentic self, we begin to die inside. In this world of endless “motivation”, “inspiration” and “positivity”, we do ourselves the greatest disservice by not owning our real emotions. Being sad is OK. Losing a parent sucks. Pretending we are over it sucks even more.

Here are the lyrics to the song that has become my medicine. If you are sad or in pain about losing a loved one, I hope that maybe these lyrics speak to your heart too. It’s OK to not be OK. It’s actually better than OK, it means you are human. And humans feel things.

Over You by Miranda Lambert

“Weather man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone

Cause you went away, How dare you? I miss you They say I’ll be OK But I’m not going to ever get over you.”

The greatest gift we can give ourselves and our world is to be our authentic selves. I am not talking about wallowing or being paralyzed by our emotions, I am talking about feeling them, acknowledging they are real, processing them and coming out on the other side empowered, and forever changed.

Love + Gratitude-
Nina

A Land With No Starbucks

A Land With No Starbucks

“Sometimes we are so focused on the things we want, we miss out on the things we need.” Unknown

When I first saw my new favorite place on Facebook, the home of my Aunt & Uncle, I had no idea if I would ever get there, nor less did I know the impact it would have on my state of being.

You see, I have been so wrapped up in life, and moreover, my business, and have not had a real “off the grid” break in years.

So when the opportunity arose, my Uncles surprise birthday party, and knowing I would get to see a big part of my East Coast family, I was all in. No, it was not the ideal time to take off, no, it was not in my budget, but yes, it was the best decision I have made in a long time.

Little did I know, I would be arriving in the land of no Starbucks (or Coffee Bean, or Uber, or cell service) and boy, what a shock to my system that was.

Many of us get so hung up in what we want, or think we want, or think we need, that we can lose sight of what we really need; love, connection, family, air, reflection, relationships, you know, the stuff that matters.

So how does one live in the land with no Starbucks? Simply. And beautifully. And purposefully.

While I did prepare a bit by bringing my travel French press, I did not have any espresso to put in it. Thankfully, my cousin was in a much more populated area when I inboxed her asked if she could stop by Starbucks so at least I could have my morning espresso, and she graciously obliged my addiction.

But my routine of what I think I need and want went sideways from there. What do you do when you cannot make a phone call? Or have no wireless connection or limited connection? You breathe. That’s what.

Many forget the day of having nether of those things, and yes, we all survived. Generations of awesome humans survived with far less than what is available to us today. And while I LOVE the social + digital web, as being a core of my business, and love how it can empower the people I love, I realized how much we are tethered to our devices, and missing out on so many beautiful things, like life.

I am not one to say put down your devices, I would never and will never believe in that, but what I do know now is that we all need to disconnect. And I can speak for “us all” as I work with people every day who are stressed, filled with anxiety, “too busy” to do important things, overwhelmed, etc.

Think of it this way and play a little game that goes like this…
Want: Starbucks + cell service
Need: Rest + recharging our batteries

Want: To do everything on my to-do list today
Need: To create awesome, quality work

Here is my challenge to you (and to me). Put down your devices. One a week, or a few times a month. And if you cannot seem to disconnect on your own, travel a few times a year to a place you are forced to, like I was, and just be present. Look up. Look around. You will not even believe how beautiful a land with no Starbucks can be.

Love + Awesomeness-

Nina

PS: A huge shout out of love + gratitude to my entire East Coast fam for making my week “off the grid” so awesome. I love you all so very much and cannot wait to come back (travel French press included)!

Solutions + Scarifices hd

Solutions + Sacrifices

“Every solution to every problem is simple. It’s the distance between the two where the mystery lies.” Derek Landy

Oh, isn’t life funny… Just when we think we have it all figured out, a situation sneaks up on us and surprises the heck out of us. Well, maybe it’s just me, but I had a big one just happen that I felt compelled to share. There is such a big lesson in it for me, which means maybe there is one for you too?

Whether it be in business or in life, we face problems every single day, well, to be honest, maybe every single hour. Where the awesomeness comes in is in how well we can identify the actual problem, and find a solution and keep pushing. The joys of creative small business ownership. Ahhhhh..

So here is how the story goes…

I have spoken a few times; well maybe more than a few, about my rescue dog Faith. She is special in that she is the most kind, gentle, loving, sweet but very scared, anxious and timid. She clearly was very much abused as a baby, as I have been with her since she was only 3 months old.

Once we moved to downtown Los Angeles, she began to become even more fearful. It began well, and then deteriorated quickly. I was at a compete loss. I brought in experts, doctors, dog whisperers, trainers, and the whole nine. She began to get better and better. So much so that I signed another year lease on my loft.

Then in late January, her brother Zen became very ill, and it was traumatizing to the entire family. And from there, she began to decline, quickly. In and out of the hospital with Zen nearly every few weeks it seemed became more and more difficult for all of us. And Faith kept getting worse. She did not want to leave the loft, and cowered the second she walked onto the sidewalks outside, in fact, many days, she needed to be carried. She began to lose weight, and was just miserable.

Meanwhile, my heart continued to break. Guilt, sadness, shame, confusion… and so many sleepless nights, wondering what the heck I was going to do. Months went by, and I just could not figure out how to care for Zen, who now has a terminal diagnosis, and ensure Faith was living the happy life she deserved. I was at a complete loss.

One thing I knew for sure, I would need to create a plan to move. To move out of the city, to a space that I was hopeful would be awesome for her. But that was not going to be happening anytime in the immediate future, like I just cannot move today, so still, at a complete loss and feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. And more guilt, one of the worst, non-productive emotions out there.

Every 4th of July, I always get out of the city, as Faith has always been deathly afraid of fireworks. So last week, I packed up my babies and myself and headed south, to San Diego County where both my Mom and Stepmom live. Ahhhhhh, we would finally get a few days away from the noise and Faith could get a reprieve, if only for a few days. Then it hit me…. Like a ton of bricks… Like OMG, how could I have not seen this before? Like wow.

My Stepmother has a three-acre ranch, she has three loving dogs and horses and so much space to play and roam. She is home nearly every day, and her entire live revolves around her animals. And she LOVES Faith. She also just recently lost one of her dogs unexpectedly to a terrible illness and has been heartbroken ever since. Do you see where this is going?

The solution was always available to me. It has been there this entire time. And I did not see it. I did not see it because I was not willing to see it. Because in seeing it, that meant I would have to sacrifice something, me. My emotions. My heart. My guilt. My belief system that said “my sweet rescue for sure would never be OK away from her Mommy”… a very self-centered yet common line of reasoning. But it was not in the best interest of Faith. I was so focused on how I would feel, I never once even thought about all the options that were available to me. I was too deep in the problem.

You see, the solution is always there. It’s closer than you think. Than I think. Than we think. But it may take sacrifice. Whether it be sacrifice in comfort, not wanting to have a tough discussion, admitting we made a mistake, pride, ego, defiance, confusion, whatever. But I promise you; the solution is closer than you think. Way closer. It actually may be literally right in front of you. Or in my case, a few hours south in San Diego County.

I am not new to sacrifice; in fact, the last six years it could have been my middle name. I sacrificed a career, financial security and nearly all my material belongings to live a life of purpose, awesomeness and authenticity. To create a life of meaning, in my case, took a ton of sacrifice. And in looking back, I would do it all over again to be in the place I am today; grounded, at peace, fulfilled, and living a life of service + awesomeness.

I am happy to say, while I am missing my Faith so very very much, she is incredibly happy, happier than she has been in a long time. And Zen and I, well, we are good too, taking life one day at a time, and yes, working on finding a new space to call home in hopes that Faith will want to come back to us someday soon. The thing is though… I will be OK either way, because I can see clearly now. I found the solution. It was always there. It just took some time to see it.

Love + Awesomeness-

Nina

Nina L. Kovner Beauty School

5 Lessons from My Beauty School Experience

The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud. -Coco Chanel

Like it was yesterday, I will never forget my first day of beauty school. Butterflies, fear, excitement, and awe, how was it possible that I was actually going to live my dream? OMG.

Getting to this day was far from easy. And I mean FAR FROM EASY. Just to give you some context, I was a very lost young person, nearly failed out of high school, was forced into the college experience for which I was far from ready. It was 1987. I had run out of options. Totally cut off financially as I chose to leave college, I mean, when you get straight F’s, what else are you supposed to do?

My namesake asked her hairdresser about schools, and just like that I got a referral to Potomac Academy of Hair Design in Falls Church, Virginia. But the battle was far from over. I was broke, working as a school bus driver, yes, that is not a typo, and could not qualify for any financial aid. My family was “too rich”, lol. So my awesome Mom found someone who would help me get a personal loan, as I needed money for school, plus living expenses for one year, and because of that dear family friend, I began to live my dream.

The thing was and still is, nothing has ever come easy for me. Not even beauty school. I was always kind of a tom boy, and hardly ever used a curling iron, blow-dryer, etc. But I did manage to cut the hair of every single creepy doll my Mom ever put in front of me, cause I mean, dolls were meant for cutting hair, not for playing with. Sound familiar?

Unfortunately, because of my choice to leave college and pursue my dream, some family members stopped talking to me. For reals. It was sad, and odd, and typical at the time…1987. But I carried on, and became one of the best students in school. Getting all A’s and stuff like that. I also caused a bit of drama as I at one time decided to challenge the school on some things, got all “we the people” on them, but luckily that sorted itself out and I was not kicked out of school. Mind you, I had some experience getting kicked out of schools, as I was suspended twice in elementary school. Don’t ask, those stories may show up in my next book though.

Here are 5 lessons I learned from my beauty school experience…

1. Show Up
And I mean really show up. It’s hard, I know. I worked part time while going to school full time, then worked full time while finishing up school part time. It’s hard. Anything worth having is. Do whatever it takes to show up physically, emotionally and mentally.

2. Listen
While we may think we know everything, we do not. We just don’t. And there is always something to learn. Always. To this day, with all of the success and experience I have, I study every day. Yes, every day. Well, except Sundays, where I basically spoon my dogs all day.

3. Connect
Connect with every human you possibly can that has what you want. Teachers, other students, owners, artists, leaders, educators, everyone. It is one of the biggest reasons my career took off so quickly, as I made a huge effort to connect with those I wanted as mentors. And I still do.

4. Assist
Still to this day, one of my favorite jobs ever was when I was a shampoo girl all through school at a very successful salon, The Falls Salon in Great Falls Virginia. I learned so much there. The wisdom and experience I gained was only attainable by being in the salon, working my tail off, learning the ins and outs of everything from operations, to pace, to client care, to booking, to inventory, to blow-drying, to client building… and yes, sweeping, shampooing, ordering lunch, answering phones, doing laundry… All of it, priceless, and is one of the reasons I have been so successful in the professional beauty industry. Perspective and context, and it began by being a kick ass shampoo girl.

5. Follow Your Heart
As I wrote in my book Follow Your Heart, living a life of purpose and awesomeness is the greatest gift in the world. But it also takes a ton of work, and I don’t mean busy work, I mean smart work. Getting still and getting clear on what your heart + gut are telling you, then creating a road map to get there. The challenges will always be present, it is not the easy way, but it is the only way that will ever have true fulfillment. I implore you to stick it out, to surf the waves, to know that even when the road is bumpy, if your heart feels it, then you stick with it. No. Matter. What.

While I am no longer a licensed hairdresser, and have not done hair in the salon since 1991, my genetic code is set in stone. My purpose in the world has evolved to coach + mentor the people I love, and I am so grateful.

No matter what path you are on, it’s gonna take a ton of courage. So get ready for the ride of your life, and hold on tight, cause it’s gonna get bumpy, and even better, it’s gonna be awesome.

Love+Awesomeness-
Nina