“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.”

Brene Brown

Here is the audio version of this post. Thank you for listening. Enjoy.
The Other Layers

We all have layers, and I am not talking of the ones you do on your clients. I’m speaking of the other layers. The layers of truth, struggles, shame and pain.

My journey has been one of many layers and yesterday I began a new journey to peel back a big one that I have struggled with my entire life. I am writing this post in hopes to help others who struggle as I do, to give permission to those who live with this pain, to have the courage to uncover the pain, share their truth, and in hopes empower others to do the same.

This is not about a weight loss journey. The weight is the result of something much deeper. It was that extreme black and white thinking that has kept me from the truth. This is a journey of turning fears into fuel, battling my anxiety and panic disorder, silencing the voices in my head and a very old film reel in my head and heart that needs to be destroyed.

The truth is, I have battled my entire life with self-esteem and body image issues. When I was young, I was weighed in every single day, and I recorded my weight on a little calendar. Every single day. My greatest “accomplishment” in this area was at the peak of my eating disorder. Popping pills every morning and making sure most of the food I did consume ended up where it belonged, in the toilet, as soon as I ate it. Not awesome. Not at all. I have worked too hard on so many areas of my life to allow this one to win.

It amazes me how we can sabotage ourselves so much, and no matter what, we find excuses as to why we cannot peel back the layers. I understand it’s scary, writing this post is scary for me, putting it out for the world to see, admitting that I have a problem, those are all scary things…

Here is part of the story I have been telling myself for years…
1. I am too busy.
2. I have anxiety and panic disorder.
3. I have a slow metabolism.
4. My Dad died and I am sad.
5. I will start tomorrow.
6. Who cares how you look and feel. It’s nobody’s business.
7. It was that medication they put me on 6 years ago, it’s their fault.
8. I have a fractured lower back.
9. I don’t care.

Some of the excuses above are actual realities of my life. But to make them excuses for not living an awesomely authentic life is just lame. We can always find excuses.

The new story I am telling myself…
1. We find time for that which is important.
2. Food, meditation and daily exercise works wonders for anxiety.
3. Fuck the slow metabolism, it can be re-set with food and exercise.
4. It’s perfectly OK to miss my Dad, and I know there is nothing he wants more than for me to win the battle my demons.
5. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.
6. It’s not about what others think, see or feel, its about how I think, see and feel.
7. Forgive the doctors who messed with you. Forgiveness is the first step to freedom.
8. Yes, you do have a fractured back, accept it, and take care of yourself so it can get better.
9. I do care.

We all have battles that we fight in silence. Silence for many can be a killer. I have made a decision to no longer be silent. I made this decision because I want to live my truth in order to help others live theirs.

I am so grateful to have people in my life who support my journeys, we all need cheerleaders. But in the end, my battle is between me and me. Isn’t that the truth for all of our internal battles? Yes, it sucks, and it’s painful to face the darkest parts of ourselves. But when we choose to empower ourselves and peel back more layers, when we choose to be vulnerable, we just never know who we may be empowering in the process. And that is a beautiful thing.

(shared with LOVE from Nina)

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