boundaries Archives - Passion Squared

What Comes First? Gratitude or Joy

November 22, 2015Nina KovnerGROW, MY TRUTH

“For it is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.” Brene Brown

Over the last 8 years, I have worked day in and day out, on creating a life that would allow me to be present and help others. In the last few years, I actually created an awesome business to serve those I love in a very different way than the status quo.

It’s risky, I mean, in the industry I mostly serve, there is far more interest in learning the latest haircut or color technique. And I get that.

But working with creative small business owners and hairdressers over the last 30 years, there are a few things I know are true;

-Self esteem & confidence is quite low

-Healthy boundaries are nearly non existent

-Anxiety is typically high

-Workaholics are prevalent and even seen as awesome #notawesome

-People pleasing is high

-Saying no is seen as a bad thing

-Self care is the last thing on the to do list

And because of this, many of us are depleted, burnt out, overwhelmed, exhausted, unhappy, self-sabotaging, and loaded with the toxic energy of those around us. #yikes #usedtobeme

So what comes first?

In the quote above, Brene Brown breaks is down perfectly, gratitude comes before joy.

And that is what I subscribe to. Gratitude and peace come first. That is where we will find joy, and that is when everything will fall into place.

Simple concept, but not at all easy to practice.

Gratitude comes from practice. Peace comes from practice. Just like learning the latest haircut or color.

So where do we start?

Gratitude Lists
Every day, take 5 minuets and write a gratitude list. Either on a piece of paper, or in your head, or on your phone, or on a napkin, wherever, whenever, just do it, and you will find an immediate shift in your energy.

Start Saying NO
The most important thing you can do for yourself and others is to take care of yourself, your energy and your space. Start by saying NO one time per week. That NO will give you an extra hour, two hours or even more to breathe, take a walk, read a book, or just sit in stillness.

Practice Healthy Boundaries
Next time someone asks you “Do you have 5 minuets to talk? Say no, but I have time at 3:30.”

If someone interrupts you while you are in the middle of something simply say… “I understand this is important to you, but I am in the middle of something, lets connect back in an hour.”

You see, the more we take care of ourselves, our energy and our bodies, the more we can show up fully and be present for those we serve.

A depleted, exhausted, burnout human is of no good to anyone, whether its you or the team you work with.

So today, I am grateful, for my process (and all the people who helped save my life) and for my decision to share it with the people that I love.

Today I am grateful for the power of gratitude lists, saying no and setting healthy boundaries. Now it’s your turn. What are you grateful for?

Love + Gratitude + Awesomeness-

Nina

Getting to No

October 24, 2015Nina KovnerGROW

Focusing is about saying no. -Steve Jobs

As I observe small businesses and what makes one stand out from the other, I find myself almost always going back to a concept I learned long ago from one of my greatest biz mentors and all around awesome humans Luke Jacobellis.

So much of how we ultimately create awesome in business is about the daily decisions we make. What we say yes to, what we say no to. It has to do with focus, strategy, discipline, courage and clarity. The term that Luke taught me that is forever ingrained in my mind is “creeping elegance”. Now you may be thinking, what the heck does that mean? Well, let me explain.

Example #1
You Gotta Be Everywhere
Someone in your business, maybe even you, was told it’s important to be on every social platform. So you go ahead and just start running, spending time, money and energy, creating content, claiming your platforms, trying to get buy-in from the team, etc, etc. A few months down the road, you notice that you are spending more time and money than you intended, with little to no results. In fact, you may have already abandoned the platforms. What happened? Well, instead of saying no to some and yes to others, instead of sitting back and building a plan, instead of determining which platforms fit best with your strategy, you just dove in and said yes to everything.

Example #2
If It Worked For Me, It Will Work For You
Another small business owner calls you up and tells you you must try this marketing program that worked awesome for them. You get all excited and dive right in, spending time, money and energy to try and make it work for you. A few months down the road, the program is not getting the results you want, and is abandoned, just like the social platforms example.

Example #3
We Must Have Balloons
You decide it’s time to re-invent your service menu. A few others on the team suggest that you not only do menus, but that you also do brochures, cards, signs, pins and balloons (trying to make a point here with the balloons). You get busy, and excited, and next thing you know, you spend a gazillion dollars and blow through a million trees, all the while all you really wanted was a new menu and in fact, that was all you needed.

Example #4
I Cannot Live Without This Product
You get pitched a new product line to carry or use in your business. You love it, it fits with your brand and strategy, so you say yes. A few months later, you get pitched another one, or a team member gets all excited about something and instead of having the hard discussion of saying no, you say yes. Then another, then another. A few months down the road, you wake up to excess inventory, a multitude of vendors, money tied up and wonder, how did this happen?

These are just a few examples of “creeping elegance”. We all get so “busy” that we say yes instead of no. But what we do not realize at the time is that the yes we are saying turns into possibly months of time, money and energy wasted that could have been put towards systems, products, services and programs that fit the strategy and get results.

Yes I know, it’s tough to slow down and make mindful decisions, but that is part of what we signed up for when we chose to own a business. If you have a strategy, which is a gotta do for being awesome in business, it becomes easier to say no as well as yes. Getting to no may be one of the best things you can do for your sanity, your bank account, your team, your customers and your business. Give it a try.

Example #5
You Can’t Miss This
This is probably one of the most important ones for those who find themselves pulled in a gazillion directions and feeling burned out more often than you would like. We all know FOMO (fear of missing out), well let me introduce you to JOMO (joy of missing out). You see, there is no possible way we can be “everywhere” if we are going to keep our sanity. And as leaders and small biz owners, we must do our best to stay present, grounded, and yes, sane. When we are clear on our purpose, promise, and strategy, we begin to learn that while that event or that program or that party sounds like a ton of fun, I am going to pass this time. Read that, and let it sink in. I AM GOING TO PASS THIS TIME. Try it. And just feel your shoulders drop.

Love + Awesomeness-
Nina

(this post was originally written in December 2013, had been updated and still rings true for so many)

What You Allow- A Story On Healthy Boundaries

October 11, 2015Nina KovnerGROW, MY TRUTH

“What you allow is what will continue.” Unknown

In working with my clients each day and engaging with community on the social web, I find one of the biggest challenges many face is in setting healthy boundaries.

Look, up until 8 years ago, to be honest, I had no idea what that even meant. I was living a boundary-less life. I was at the mercy of others energy, desires, moods and thoughts. I was emotionally broken. And then everything changed (with a 35 day treatment program and 8 years of therapy which I am still in today). Even today, I struggle with it. Why? Because I am human. And so are you.

Since I am in the empowerment business, I find nothing more empowering than loving self. And setting healthy boundaries are one of the best ways to empower, love and serve our hearts.

So what the heck are boundaries and how do we set healthy ones? Here is what an article from Psychology Today says about healthy boundaries…

“Boundaries are an inside job. And they have to do, not so much with where others stop but with where we genuinely begin.”

First and foremost, we must decide that we are sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s not until we make that decision, we can move forward and begin to grow.

Next, think about all the situations are you in today, in biz and in life, where you are struggling with boundaries.

Could it be with a client wanting to get “squeezed” in or wanting access to you 24/7?
Price bartering?
Unreasonable expectations?
Doing things we actually do not want to be doing?
Could it be with a team member who totally disrespects your culture and vision, or you, or other team members?
Not being able to let go of toxic people, team members, clients, relationships?
Could it be that you find yourself in total burnout mode more often than not, due to feeling “bad” and not wanting to say no to anyone?
What about online? Succumbing to the obnoxious behavior of cyber bullies?
Getting sucked into rants and awful news?
Following people we don’t really want to follow but we feel we “must”?

OMG, the list could go on and on. And where the dance begins, is in learning that healthy boundaries are not about putting up walls, but in creating a permeable “fence” that allows us to practice self care, thus my choice for the above image, a beautiful fence on the beach, which both protects and accepts.

Here are some affirmations that may help you in your journey to learning to setting healthy boundaries. And let me be clear. This stuff is not easy. Far from it. It’s super uncomfortable, for reals. But each time we set a healthy boundary, it gets easier. One boundary at a time.

Awesome Boundary Affirmations
I set healthy boundaries to be more loving to others and myself.
I will say NO to others and say YES to myself.
I am perfectly imperfect, and so are the others around me.
I am a courageous and loving human.
I am in control of how I choose to respond and react to others.
I cannot control people or their actions.
I respect my needs and myself.
I teach people how to treat me.
I will put my oxygen mask on first, so I can be present for others.
I create space in my life so I can breathe.

If you struggle with setting healthy boundaries, it may be an issue of co-dependence. One of the greatest books I have ever read on this topic and one that helped me is Codependent No More by one of my favorite self-help authors Melody Beattie. Click here to learn more.

Love + Awesomeness-
Nina